Saturday, August 30, 2008

the reason why I want to go to India.

when there is nothing to do, people think back in the past, as like I did this morning.
I don't know why I recalled this, maybe the ending summer air and saw many old friends. and maybe Haruki Murakami's novel.
I think that in normal days we don't encounter so much death even each moment people die. The death is calmly hidden from our lives. In that life, we feel the death is not in same world. It's away from us.
I've met the death, however, twice in two years. One is of my good friend, another is of my grandmother.
My friend was a friend from high school, spend 3 years in same class, shared many experiences. We separated when we got into University, but traveled together and kept in touch. But one day she killed herself. Just 2 weeks before that, I got a mail from her, and in that message she was saying that she was coming to my town to see me. She sounded really good, I actually knew she wasn't stable mentally sometimes, so I was happy to hear her released from depression. Then, I got call from other friend 2 weeks later.
I was really confused, couldn't understand. I couldn't imagine the death, and how I would react for that. When I saw her at her funeral, I just felt disconnect.
She was in front of me, but it was not her. ,,,yes, I felt "it", she seemed a thing. I was confused. It was actually her, but, she wasn't real. She existed in same world but it was just a figure. What I really felt odd was the gap between the life and the death. We didn't have a connection never more.
Then I realised that the death is hidden in our world, quietly. We live without being aware of death. But why? Her body was sharing the space at the funeral, but we were disconnected. What is death?
One year after, my grandmother passed away. She was old, and had a cancer, so everybody was convinced about her death. Seeing her getting weaker and weaker everyday at a hospital, I felt that now the life and the death were connecting. I felt death can be seen as relative thing, not definite thing. When she passed away, but still I felt something fail in my heart.
A hospital is really special place. There, death is daily thing. The life and the death exist in same time without any question. The people working there seem not to have any problem with that. I was surprised that people can be accustomed with death. But still, it's not in daily life.

Few days later, I found a photograph collection about India, the river Ganges . In those pictures, people live next to a dead as daily life. It seemed that there were nothing wrong for them.
I want to be that place and feel the atmosphere mixing the life and the death in daily life. I want to be convinced about life and death are connected, they are on a same line without any gap.
That's why I want to go to India.


Lori said...

Hi Honey -- I've had the same thoughts about India.

Have you ever read a book about India? I would suggest "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry (who lives in Canada). It is a very complex country....

Takako said...

hi, sis Lori!
thanks for your suggestion, I gotta read that.
I know India has a quite complicated situation. a caste, IT, poverty, religions,,,long long history made that, I guess. but it's kinda root of Asia in some ways, so I'd like to know.