The first autumn in France

The autumn has come to Paris. Well, we are not precisely in Paris, we live in Puteaux which locats just next by La defense, the west side of Paris. We started the family life since this August. I had been in Japan for a half year to give birth. Now then, the baby has come and we returned to France. Although most of the people who talk to her thinks she is a BOY, she is beautiful and healthily growing up. Things haven't changed a lot in some ways, and have grately changed in many ways. Our relationship doesn't seem to have changed, just having her inbetween us. Of course, we are less flexible and more realistic now, since we have to find a place to be. The situation is still unstable, we do not know where we will be in 6 months. I cannot choose the place to be or thing to do alone now. I'm not related to art thing, just because I cannot move around. Our daughter is a very nice baby though still she is very little to be alone. But if she can go to a nursery, I could go to school to learn French at least. That will help me a lot for living here. As we do not know what will come, I just do what I can do now. It is a bit funny feeling to find my life is not solely mine, but depending on so many people. Indeed, I knew it. But now I see it very clearly. My decision is based on people whom I love. I found it is somewhat bitter and sweet.

The changes

The summer has gone, and the autumn sound is reaching to my ear. I have had lovely three summer in UK, even they were short and rainy sometimes, and I won't have third melancholic autumn in UK, even I love Hyde park covered with dried dead leaves.

I am moving to France.

It is actually surprising that I have already spent two and half years, precisely 892 days here. Of course, I was not always here, and I am definitely sure I belong to Japan. The 11 March disaster shook me and put me through the sadness and feeling of loss. I will never escape from this feeling and disappointment in the government. Something is wrong in Japan.
However, I have built up my pretty sober and calm social life here. I would say, it was simply brilliant. Studying in SOAS was exciting and stimulating. Whereas I feel not satisfied at some parts. I feel I am abandoning half built bricks.

Never mind, I got a thing to do. Learning French will be a bit of challenge anyway, I have to go through pretty down-to-the-earth life there. Sadly, I am not independent yet. I am too lucky to have this circumstance, I know. Hence, although I am holding complicated feeling for being "parasite", I grant it as my responsibility to maximize the opportunity. Two years, I have this time to establish myself with my new family.

That is why I am moving to France. I am getting married to my boyfriend.

Looking back on our path, I have to admit it was not always crossing. We started it from bright summer in Madrid in 2007, having several crossing points in each several months, Brussels in November, Paris in March, Japan in August, London in March. We traveled together to Amsterdam and Barcelona. He went to Japan alone while I was in Oxford, I was happy to hear how he enjoyed the hot summer in Tokyo. It sounded such adventure. The bubbly feeling to be "foreigner" in strange country is always fun. No responsibility, no restriction, no real life burden; "holiday". The life in London was partially holiday. I was not in Japan, he was not in France. It was great together.
However, now we need the strength to enjoy our real life. We will find joy in daily life, not in somewhere pain-free paradise. We will bring "adventure" into our life.

I think, I am not sure what it turns out to be. That's why I write what I want it to be. Self-comforting, but it is necessary sometimes, isn't it? At least, it is not self-misery, or lamenting, thank goodness. I am still hopeful for it. In the middle of anxiety and excitement.

The good thing is I love winter in Europe. Ant the winter is coming. So, let's expect happy winter in France. I like spring and autumn in Japan, summer in Spain, winter in France. Because, there are lots of beautiful things. See, the life is beautiful, as long as you take it easy.

New year 2011

2011 has come. I was suffering from flue when the year changed... and still I am.

It's really calm in Japan. There are my parents and relatives, my friends. And it makes me think about future. Could I be free or should I come back.

I want to spend time with my parents if they need me. So far, it has seemed fine for them to be in two. But the future will not be the same.

My parents want me to get married to a man who is financially stable. For that I should meet the man while I am young, perhaps 20's?, so then I can charm him. It is amazing how they could be cliche, however at some point it is understandable. Because they cannot support me hence they need a substitute.

Surely the criterion is important, moreover I cannot afford a person.My mum worries that if I have a baby, then someone needs to support me. Also, that is important since the life does not have any guarantee so it is better to have a financial back ground. However, thinking about the life, the important thing is that I can support myself and he can support himself, and suppoting each other and walk together.

Nobody knows the answer. But again, I should know what I want to do and be convinced with my decition.

Summer

It is already summer. It has been great, so far this summer.

Now I am a Japanese language teacher, officially, which is good.
Now I am supposed to study in SOAS, therefore I will be staying for another year in London. There is an official place for me, which is great.

I should be really happy and full of hope.

To be honest, I'm hesitating. The hesitation is to make a progress in the study and the relationship. Just I am afraid of the future, instead desiring it.

Actually I know how I should get over this instability.
Go for what I wanted to do, with all my ability. Earn money to support myself and live oneself would give me more confident.


I know I am afraid of nothing concrete. I am just looking back some sweet cuddling places I had and dreaming what I could possibly have.

Or, I am imagining forward some other possibilities that I could have if I would not chose this way.

And I know it would make nothing better.

But it is just dragging me into such a tender imaginary world and it does not let me go.

What if, What if, What if?

It is too early to decide the direction? Am I convinced with this truly? Or, am I ready for taking this responsibility?
Am I grounded?

Little more time is needed, for not regretting nor putting blame on someone.


And then I am off to Mexico.

the new season

The season is changing, and spring has come. It's the season of say hello and good-bye in Japan. I'm in London though.

I'll graduate from current school today. It flied away the one year here! I have seen many people, found many interesting things. I have got changed a lot including my surroundings.

I want to stay in London. There are more opportunities here for me. Besides my boyfriend, it would be better for me. I want to try something here, even I don't think it's the place for life after all. I want to live in many countries, see more things. It won't be too late if I go back to Japan afterwards. My parents agree with it as well.
The funny thing is that my family(female) think if I would be tired and couldn't make any result I could get marry to someone stable in Japan. It's quite surprising that they still think the marriage is for "woman is at home and men earns money" even my mum always insisted that women should have financial power by herself and be independent.

And one more thing which tires me is that their ignorance for "non-Japanese". They still say they would introduce me a good guy(of course Japanese) for me even they know I have a non-Japanese boyfriend. It always confuses me and him. I guess they know but don't understand and cannot imagine how we are doing or going to do. It always gives me disgust feeling anyhow. But same time my mum says that if I got pregnant, I should give a birth and they will bring up. I know it is just an Imaginary Baby. They just want MY baby but they don't seem to imagine in real. Also I get hurt when he is disappointed in my family. Because I love and respect them anyway.


It is an unstable period for me and him. I'm applying MA courses in London and he is applying for MA course somewhere France or Belgium. If I could not have any place of offer, I have to go back to Japan. It is really about official permission. For me, it won't be too bad if I go back to Japan. There is a school and jobs which I can do.
But if I got back to Japan, what could he do? Even he said that he could come to Japan, though it is not realistic. His life in Japan? What he could find out there even he is not interested in Japanese culture? While I am interested in Japanese culture still, and I'm here now in London because there are many opportunities for it. And I don't think London will be my last place of my life.

Now I don't see many possibilities our ways crossing in the future if we go on the ways. I want to live many countries, such as Mexico. I can survive as a language teacher. I have planed many things in my life, but now I have him. He is a bran new element and important enough in my life now.

One of my flatmates asked me if there is possibility that I would love someone else in the future besides him. But how could I know it? Maybe yes, maybe not. But if I love someone thinking "the after him" is a bit sad. I'd rather face the thing I have in the moment.
So then I should wait and see how it will be, The circumstance and our hearts in the metabolising period.

changes in the new year

Well, the winter vacation is ending but winter is still here in London. It's snowing! When I left London to Lille, it was snowing as well. Then in Lille, as well.

It was cold when I arrived in France. I believe still it is though. I had busy, but significant days with my boyfriend there. we had many trips like to Paris, Ghent, Troy and London, and a plenty enough time to talk about what we want to do with our relationship further.

It was lovely to know what he thinks about us. I feel much easier than before and trust him more than before since he told me that he would come with me if I go somewhere. That made me feel attached to him a lot. Strangely, once knowing his thought, now I think I could go with him although I gave up something I want if he found something good for him. Usually I dislike to be restricted, but now I like this little odd condition in my life. Girl's mind works weirdly. Moreover being sure about what he thinks, it calmed down emotion. I do not think we miss each other crazily anymore. It is somehow good though I miss it a bit.

I love that my friends doing what they want. Because they seem vivid. I think if they are convinced and satisfied with themselves, they are happy. Only if they are so, they can be generous to others. Therefore I want my boyfriend to be so, and me as well.

The very best for us is each of us does what he/I want and we walk on the way holding hands. Being together is one of what we want to do, but not the all of us. Moreover it is not only about our fantastic future dream but realistic financial matter. The question is where the compromise is. I cannot afford him neither he can. If one of us finds a job firstly, the one will have a priority to chose the place. Ideally, he settles home and I go out freely,,, :p But everything is not obligation. We are free independent people, if we find ourselves being together not necessarily, we can be friends and apart. Hopefully I could say calmly "good luck for each other" smiling, at that time.


Anyhow I have to get ready for teaching practice. Even Spring hasn't come yet, the deadline is coming soon. Our team for teaching practice had a meeting today. And I found that one of us has a baby in her belly! Well, it was great happy surprising. The baby comes to the world in 8 months, half Japanese half French.

The lady met the guy here in London, therefore it has been 6 months dating. They are going to get married. I am happy to see her happy face. The cliche, Love changes people better, but true.

I remembered that my brothers changed a lot when they got a girlfriend. They became really tender, even they gave me some presents! They had never cared about giving a gift to their sister though. Now both of they got married and the oldest one has a children. He sometimes miscall me as his daughter. That makes me feel that I am a little girl for him though still nice. The feeling "beloved" is fundamental for everyone.

So far so Long in London

Even I feel it's not that long living in London though it's been 8 month since I came here. Wow, it seems many in number... and yes, I've done many things.

I changed a flat once. I lived in Charlton which is in southeast London however I moved to the central London. I am living in Russell Square now. I got 3 flatmates, two of them are a couple and one is single lady, and everyone is Japanese. The formar flatmates were more variated in nationality. There were French couple whom are really good friends of mine still and a Latovian girl, and Turkish landlord. As like a nomal case, the landlord wasn't that nice as every landlord is not usually.

I went to Oxford for this summer studying English. It was great time that I could be an irresponsible language student. It wasn't a great summer weather in Oxford but I made some other trip to Amsterdam and Milan. Surprisingly, it was cheap.I went to Amsterdam to see my friends from Japan, but they are not Japanese. They were exchange students from Lyden University. I visited my friends in Milan as well and I made some little trips there. I didn't have much luck for the weather though it was fun. My boyfriend came with me to Amsterdam but not to Milan. We had a good time in Ams riding bikes around there. It was great.

He had been in Japan, Tokyo for the summer. It sounds that he liked there. I think that staying in Tokyo as a forigner is interesting. I do love Japan and I would go back eventually though I don't think Tokyo is the best place to live. I prefer country for living anyhow.

Nevertheless, I miss Japan thesedays a lot. Maybe it's not Japan but what I can do in Japan seems much more than here. For example the research on Japanese crafts still attracts me a lot. I cannot give it up still and sometimes that memory drags me back to the thought "what am I doing here besides what I can do in Japan?"

Of course there many things I want to learn and study here and I feel I'm making progress. Therefore I don't think it's wasting time nor regret having come here. I'm enjoying my new study, Japanese language education, and I'm teaching privately which is quite interesting. Moreover I try to enter a master course of art history here. Now I'm studying English for that.

The foundimental question is where I am heading. There are many oppotunities and things I want to do. Since I will have a qualification for teaching Japanese, I could survive anywhere in the world. And I'm fascinated by Mexico. I want to live there sometime. I could do it after finishing my study. Or I deal Japanese crafts with people I know from the research. It's harder but I got some connections and they seem to be functioning.

But in those cases, I won't be with my boyfriend. Even it was in Japan, I don't think it is easy for him to be there. He is young and bright but not like me, rolling weed. I love him and now he is an important condition in my decision. I never want to hurt him more. There are too many things that I cannot tell him about my wishes.

The timing is everything of the life. Then maybe if I find a job in Mexico before my boyfriend becomes the most important element in my life I would choose Mexico. Or if there will be an interesting job dealing Japanese crafts abroad, I would take it.

Anyhow it should be my choice because he doesn't take a responsibility for my life. Well, actually I don't know what he wants to do and how much he want to come into my life. I don't have any idea whether he wants to be with me for long making a lot of effort. And I don't have enough courage to ask him them. Because we haven't had crucial conversation a lot. Because we haven't spent daily life a lot together. He might not know how I am actually. I'm such a coward. sigh.